Operation Ryaqi Freedom


MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Saturday was my last day at the DSG Prison. Despite heavy resistance I found a way to escape and have entered my new job at Cape Environmental! Tomorrow June 28th 2004 I will begin the first leg of reconstruction of my life. Too many weekends and good times have been lost. Gym time was cut so I could work 60+ hours a week with no predetermined schedule. I look forward to pushing towards having a life and less bitterness. Alright, infidels, I'm outtie!

HI HO SILVER, AWAAAAAAAAY!

NO, I haven't reassumed my masked alter ego. I did however make a small investment in a piece of machinery that will get me from A to B a helluva lot safer. Yes, I took the Maxima out to the shed and put a bullet in its brain stem; Old Yeller is no more. During its latter stages the Maxima was a virtual deathtrap. From the lack of brakes, to the bad alignment to the smell that seems to have followed into the new car (which leads me to conclude that I should bathe more regularly), to the windshield wipers that I actually got away with not working for 3 months...during the winter...think about that. How the fuck you might say? Well, eyes like a hawk and brains of a dinosaur! I had some great times with her, and she had...character...and a penchant for breaking down. But alas, a small part of me will miss her. For all her flaws, she was mine and we went through a lot. But onto to smaller and more gas efficient things! My 2001 Honda Civic. She's a 2 door, 4 cylinder, silver, piece of gas conserving rock! Real men would have gotten the Hemi, and burned numerous gallons of gas, I chose the car you couldn't mistake for a Mustang any ol' day. I look forward to new memories and new repairs to the Civic. Godspeed Maxima, and hello Civic!

10 Reasons Why Ocean City, NJ is Better Than Your Beach

I had an epiphany the other day when talking with Jon about his experience or lack their of in Wildwood NJ. Ocean City is a much better beachside town than Wildwood or any other for that matter. The only thing wild about it is the crazy Eastern European workers that work there, so I have come up with a meager ten reasons why Ocean City is better than other beaches, shorepoints, bays, or backwater locales that are around.

10. It's a Dry Town (What you need an explaination about this? Ok, When you're walking on the boards, you don't have to worry about anybody slamming into you because they're drunk, or people peeing on the side of your house.)

9. We've had a recent disaster at our area amusement parks, which means that safety guidelines will be a helluva lot stricter than elsewhere, which means you won't have to worry about flying off into the ocean when you go on the Double Shot.

8. You've heard of Italian Ice, but how about Polish Ice..nuff said

7. Alien boards. Back before when my knees had buoyancy, I used to run. And actually I wasn't half bad at it. I knew well enough not to run after drinking a beer and I knew well enough to run as fast as I could when a homeless person decided to take up residence in my car. Anyway, the boards, I don't know if they were dropped by a more advanced species, or maybe Ocean City just cheaped out on some of the boardwalk, but this ain't wood! It doesn't bend! The new sections of the wide part of the boardwalk don't have this, but yet the narrow sections in the teens and early 20's blocks do for spots. It's just plain weird, but it's still better than having grafitti on the boards.

6. Surrey Races! Well Ok, maybe this is what happens when 3 guys and girl jump in a surrey and 3 of the participants want to race against no one and 1 of them wants to get off before they mow down some kids. But I've always been taught, that if you're going places, race somebody!

5. $1 slices. Sure you may have to wait till after 10 or 1030 or even 11 for the pizza guys to start offering these beauties that have been sitting all day in the sun under their sweaty brows, but man when they do it's pure heaven. Some people have been known to start looking for dollar slices as early as 8PM on a weekday. The key is to know the boardwalk. Know that the farther away from the wide section is the earlier they will offer the slices. Weekdays are better because they have less traffic. As always, you'll get the "where were you 3 hours ago when I could have made a huge profit on this slice" from the person serving you, but hey those are the rules.

4. Creepy Wheat Pizza Guy. Sticking with the pizza theme, some moron decided to open a wheat pizza shop in Ocean City. I shouldn't say the guys a moron...he's just a moron for making the store the size of a broom closet, refusing to give away dollar slices, and having a cold, dark stare that sends you to the bowels of hell when he makes eye contact. Other than that, it's got a nice view of the beach. And he adds charm to the boardwalk

3. Eyegroping by Frank. I used to work with Frank during my ill-fated days as a carney at Playland. He's the main ride safety inspector. When he's not busy inspecting rides, he'll be busy inspecting any girl's body ages 12-65. When a 50 year old guy checks out girls that I thought were too young (and I was 20 at the time) you know something is wrong. The phrase that Frank used to tell me and always stuck in my mind was "all you need is a hole and a heartbeat. And the heartbeat's optional" Aim high Frank and godspeed.

2. Humming the Godfather theme by a certain pavilion area and daring the mob guys who supposedly own it to come out and get us. It doesn't get more childish or daring than that....especially when you walk by about 8 times in a row. Come to think of it...this should be lower on the list, but I just thought of it now and I'm much too lazy to change it...let's just pretend that dollar slices is here and this one is where dollar slices are. Alright now that we have that settled, just when I thought I was out, I had to come up with number one.

1. Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco



Ok, the real number one.
Jon is actually able to fight people in Ocean City. In any other city, county, state or country, Jon is just assumed to be a gassy, goofy, white guy. But At Jilly's in Ocean City he is allowed to punch, stomp, and sweat his way through numerous fights and shirts. People come from all different walks of life to watch Jon fight. It's really quite amazing. Except when he dances afterwards.

A long time ago, our apartment tried to recapture our glory after we had been busted for the Beer Olympics a few months earlier. These pictures don't see the light of day very much, but I figure I can use them to blackmail any one of us who is the most successful at the time...Although, I don't know why I still have to be included. Aside Note: Check out the beauties drinking Milwaukee's Best. Drag Queens only choose the "Beast"

That's Right bitches, I've learned how to add photos...this blog is going places. First pic is a demonstration of me during a recent fire drill 

Weekend of a thousand words....or there abouts

What a whirlwind weekend...but what a great weekend.

Friday
Friday pretty much consisted of me working on 5 hours (another story) and coming home and slamming the two doors because the people below us had apparently been slamming them all night before I came home at 1020. I know I know, that's so petty, but so are they! nanananana!

Saturday
Well Kristin's family came over for "brunch" on Saturday. I was around and there was food, so I figured I'd join in! The lesson to be learned here is to NEVER PASS UP FREE FOOD! Especially when it's good free food. Kristin's brother then took off to Colorado in a 1979 VW Bus. I wish them all the best in the world, because I don't think I'd trust that to make it to Pennsylvania, nevermind Colorado. At least the color is the distinctive "Kermit the Frog" green so if they have to ditch the car, I don't think it will be mistaken for many other VW Buses.

Afternoon was Steve and Lindsey's wedding. I went to the wedding stag, and I left stag. In between was OPEN BAR...which equals unlimited fun. Open Bar also allows you to hear peoples' opinions on you and other things that they won't normally talk about. Sometimes weddings make me feel alone since I haven't had a girl in awhile, but it also makes me realize that I have a ton of great friends that really appreciate you even if you do have more gas than a rhino. Now to the question that you've been asking yourself since you began reading that I went to a wedding "Did you jig, Ryan?" Well sadly, no since I didn't consume enough alcohol to provide the world with more images of horror.

Sunday Sunday!
Celebrated Mom's B-day with a surprise at Moshulu restaurant in Philly. It's a restaurant on a old sail powered boat. And man do they make good food. After some Corn meal encrusted calimari and a 4 egg omelet, I turned into Gassy McGee, and had to be tossed overboard. After swimming the Delaware back into Jersey, I didn't stink as much thanks to that fresh NJ air! Celebrated another b-day with Jon, and gave him what I consider and Awesome gift. The movie "It's Pat!"...man what a powerhouse performance, Julia Sweeney thank you for confusing us. Actually the real gift was The Critic. In my mind the Cartoon Hierarchy is 1. Simpsons 2. Family Guy 3. The Critic. In between the Simpson golden years and Family Guy was The Critic which I think was the trendsetter in randomness in cartoons that Family Guy seems to get a bunch of credit for. With bits like the one with Orson Wells hawking Rosebud peas "Rosebud peas, full of wholesgood and green penis" The comedy is golden! Well I think that wraps it....oh yeah muddbutt

Alright, you don't have to get off my porch. Take a sittin' and I'll tell you some tales.
First off, a warning. Never see this movie...not today, not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow! Never! This movie was complete dribble. I have a feeling if Jon and I took a camera to Ocean City we could have made a more entertaining (albeit less visualy appealing movie). Thank god I have gassy and witty friends or I probably would have gone off running through the movie screen from my seat in the front row!
Yesterday I worked from 5AM till 10PM...think about that for a second.....................still settling in..................rage rising..............what the fuck, Ryan!So I covered another manager's ass who didn't pay a parking ticket for like 5 years then got pulled over and his car was impounded LAST WEEK. I drove him to work last week and helped out, then on Tuesday we both had off and he SHOULD have gotten this issue taken care of. But he obviously didn't because come Wednesday, he couldn't make it to work...coincidentally he also has off on Thursday, enabling him to have 3 days off. I'm the only one in the store that knows the truth of why he's out and I can't tell anyone. So I mention since I covered his butt, he should work on friday for me from 5-10. Notice, I don't have him cover my whole 12-10 shift, just half of it. He says he'll "make it up to somehow". I tend to feel that this isn't open for negotiation. I covered your ass, you...wait a minute I'm not finishing that sentence.
Does anyone know the Wayne Brady show got cancelled? There goes another inoffensive show...who cares! Bring back offensive shows like Family Guy!

Finally, I'd just like to promote Fahrenheit 9/11. It's Michael Moore's new movie about how Bush blew the opportunity in the post 9/11 world and his financial ties to Saudi's including Bin Laden's family. I'm really surprised Moore hasn't been found feet up in some shallow unmarked grave...or gone "missing", but as long as Michael Moore's motor skills are in tact, I'll listen to what he has to say, even if it's nothing else than a different opinion that makes you THINK. You know, not just accepting dribble handed out by those cast of characters at the White House. Alright guys, Mudd Butt

Lots of things have happened since my last blog.

But I ain't tellin' you about none of 'em...get off my porch!